First, though, here I am. Sam Elliott reduced to stereotypes.
I am so blonde that: I got stabbed in a shoot-out; I put lipstick on my forehead to make up my mind; I told someone to meet me at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'; I tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order; I tried to drown a fish; they had to burn the school down to get me out of third grade, I tripped over a cordless phone; I took a ruler to bed to see how long I slept; I studied for a blood test... and failed; I thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center; I thought Meow Mix was a record for cats; I thought I needed a ticket to get on Soul Train; and I sold the car for gas money.
[Fiction! Boys II Men was the first CD I owned. I scored very well on my SATs, ACTs, GREs, ABCs (okay, maybe I made that last one up). I graduated Valedictorian of my high school class a year early and with an honors lit degree from a top 50 university.]
As a Southerner/Texan, I'll never say:
- We don't keep firearms in this house.
- You can't feed that to the dog.
- I thought Graceland was tacky.
- No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
- We're vegetarians.
- Do you think my hair is too big?
- I'll have grapefruit instead of a bowl of gravy.
- Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
- Deer heads detract from the decor.
- Spitting is such a nasty habit.
- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
- Trim the fat off that steak.
- Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
- The tires on that truck are too big.
- I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
- Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
- Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
- I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
- Elvis who?
And as a woman, I: am crazy, like really bad entertainment, don't understand sports, am impractical, want to settle down, and am like the Incredible Hulk while under the influence of PMS.
[Fiction! The voices tell me I'm as sane as the next woman. I only watch Gossip Girl (or GG, as I like to call it) for the great character development and attractive actors. David Beckham's totally hot! My latest shoe purchase was only $75, and they were on sale!! Aww!!!! Babies!!!! WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!!? That's really mean.... *sniff*]
If you'll excuse me, I need some hot tea to treat this scoffing-induced soar throat of mine and some ibuprofen for the constant eye-rolling.